Etiquette
How to cut
the guest list.
Everyone's first list is too long. The way out is not to argue guest by guest — it is to agree rules first, apply them to everybody at once, and never reopen a name you have already decided.
How do you cut down a wedding guest list?
Sort every name into three tiers — must, want, would be nice — then cut whole categories rather than individuals: colleagues, second cousins, people you have not seen in five years, plus-ones for single guests. Cutting a category is defensible to everyone; cutting a person is defensible to nobody.
01
The method.
Do this in one sitting, with everyone who has a say in the room. Spread over weeks it becomes a running negotiation.
Write the number down first
The venue capacity or the budget, as a number, on the page, before any names are discussed. Without it every cut is arbitrary and every argument is winnable by whoever cares most.
Sort into three tiers, fast
Must, want, would-be-nice. Do it quickly and do not deliberate — first instincts are remarkably accurate here, and deliberation mostly manufactures guilt. Tier one plus tier two is usually already over your number, which is the useful discovery.
Cut categories, never individuals
"No colleagues" is a policy. "Not Sarah from work" is a verdict on Sarah. The first is repeatable to anyone who asks; the second is indefensible and will be quoted back to you.
Apply each rule to both sides equally
Whatever rule you adopt has to cost both families the same. A rule that trims one side and spares the other will not survive the week, and rightly so.
Do not keep a B-list you would be embarrassed to explain
Reserve lists exist and are widely used, but they must be invisible and quick. An invitation arriving three weeks after everyone else's is noticed, and being visibly second choice is worse than not being asked.
Close the list and stop
Once decided, it is decided. Reopening one name reopens all of them, and it turns a hard afternoon into a hard three months.
02
Rules that actually hold.
Each of these cuts a real number of names and can be said out loud without insulting anyone.
| Rule | Typically cuts | How it lands |
|---|---|---|
| No colleagues, or only your immediate team | Often 10–30 | Very easy to explain. Universally understood. |
| Nobody you have not seen or spoken to in three years | Often 10–20 | Feels harsh written down, is barely noticed in practice. |
| No children, or family children only | Varies enormously | Big impact on cost. Needs clear wording — see the adults-only guidance. |
| Partners only, no open plus-ones | 5–20 | Fine if applied evenly. Visibly unfair if not. |
| First cousins, not second | Varies by family | A clean line most relatives already recognise. |
| Parents each get a fixed allocation | Whatever you set | Converts an argument with your parents into an arithmetic problem for them. Extremely effective. |
That last one is the single most useful device on this page. Give each set of parents a number and let them choose within it — the negotiation moves off your desk entirely.
Do not cut to exactly your capacity. Not everyone invited will come, and the decline rate varies far too much by event, distance and season for any published figure to be trusted — including one from us. Invite to a number you are comfortable with if everybody accepts, then use your reserve list as declines arrive. Inviting past capacity on an assumed decline rate is a gamble with a venue-shaped downside.
03